September 01, 2023
Are you a good friend? To yourself?
Would you talk to a good and valued friend the way you talk to yourself?
You are with yourself all the time. You are someone who you could reasonably expect to have your best interest at heart. Someone who values you, your contribution, who understands your pain and disappointments as well as truly understanding what an achievement even a small gain might be.
The question is, are you that person for yourself?
Are you someone who encourages yourself when things are getting tough?
Are you someone who consoles yourself when things don’t go your way?
Do you see the good in yourself?
Or are you someone who blames yourself for not being able to do something easily?
Do you get frustrated and impatient with yourself when things aren’t going well?
Do you tell yourself why something isn’t working (and it’s your fault), or harass yourself for being lazy, or unmotivated, or worse?
You are your constant companion. So, the things you tell yourself are constantly and consistently available. You are a voice to yourself. Are you a kind compassionate caring voice?
Tony Robbins brought my attention to the fact that you can be the person you seek in the world.
Kirstin Neff, with her wonderful work studying self-compassion shows us how profound self-compassion really is.
Before I saw the TED Talk that first introduced me to Kristins work I had already come up with the phrase ‘Friendly Self Talk’. This phrase, and ‘Useful Thought Only’ were mantras that played a key role in me recovering my vitality after cancer treatments.
‘Friendly Self Talk’ was my way of reminding myself to be a good friend to myself.
Would you talk to a good and valued friend the way you talk to yourself?
As an example when I was diagnosed with cancer, I had never blamed a friend for their cancer diagnosis so I couldn’t very well blame myself. (It helped that a nurse told me directly “This isn’t anything you have done”, when I was first diagnosed). But in other situations would I have been so kind to myself?
If you listen to the things you say to yourself - are they things you would accept a friend saying to you?
You have every reason to be your own friend. To me, that’s what self compassion is.
Sometimes we get the message that being harsh to ourselves is the way forward. That we will not do anything or get anywhere without a critical voice keeping us in line.
“You have to be cruel to be kind” and “No pain, no gain” are phrases that sum this up. Perhaps you have your own?
I see in some people a fear that if we are kind to ourselves then we won’t be motivated, and we will end up living our worse versions of ourselves and our lives.
When I introduced the idea of self-compassion to a friend her response was “I think I’m too kind to myself, I eat too much”. But permissive isn’t the same as kind. If you had a friend who wanted to lose weight, when they were having a weak moment (reaching for a bowl of ice-cream perhaps) would you help them get the ice cream? Would you berate them for being weak? Or would you sympathise with them and gently remind them of their goals? What would a good friend say?
Kristin Neffs research tells us that “self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us…….It motivates us to make changes and reach our goals not because we are inadequate but because we care and want to be happy”
What I truly love about Kristin Neff is hearing her demonstrate self-compassion clearly in a talk she gave. You can be kind to yourself about the fact that you have just messed up being kind to yourself.
The great thing about self-compassion (or Friendly Self Talk) is that it’s free and always available to us - and we get lots of opportunities to practice throughout our daily life.
I encourage you to give this a go - consciously make the decision to be your own friend. In difficult situations (if you feel you have let yourself down) maybe even ask, what would I say to a dear friend here to support them to move forward happily?
See how you feel having yourself as a good friend. (It also combines well with Useful Thoughts Only).
October 06, 2023
I have found with the people that I help that using minerals gives us a strong foundation to work with.
On a personal level I am extremely grateful for the support of minerals!!
August 25, 2023
When you start to think in a downward spiral, or become distracted or focussing on negative “unwanted” thoughts - of the past, the present or the future you simply tell your brain “Useful Thoughts Only”
The trick is catching yourself in the act, but I suspect you may have a few (or even many) opportunities each day to practice this technique. The great thing is, even if you realise after quite a while that you have been riding the unhelpful thought train, you can stop at any time and tell yourself - USEFUL THOUGHTS ONLY.
August 18, 2023
I hear people saying things like “This is my life now”. They say this is a resigned way, as if they are unable to do anything powerful to change their situation. While self acceptance and understanding is important in life, a growth mindset perspective means not knowing is a signal to LEARN rather than quit.
Developing a growth mindset allows you to realise you don’t know something yet and see that as a sign to learn.